Ano itami - that pain
by AYAMASHIEEEEE
Summary: The genius ninja..the hero... The saviour... The sensei... . How was his life... All the things he faced and saw... How was he affected by that...


Imagine how bitter it would be. To hear all his friends and their parent talk shit about his father. And after that hard day coming home and finding his father with his wrists slit open, lying in HIS dojou. It was where he trained after his academy classes and his father knew it damn well.

He could have done it elsewhere too. Why his training place. Other than that question, his mind was blank.

It was like his father wanted Kakashi to feel pity for him. But it was all anger Kakashi felt.

"Damn you old man." Kakashi mumbled under his breath. He felt his vision getting blurry by each passing second. He felt tears trickle down his cheek only to be absorbed by the soft cotton of his mask.

"sakumo San" a familiar voice reached his ears. It was low and he chose not to listen to it. He failed to notice the panic in the voice that called out his father's name multiple times. The voice kept getting louder and louder, but he couldn't even move his lips to reply to that voice. His eyes fixated on the body that was almost balled up in front of him. It was as if his father was trying to hug his knees to his chest as death came to him, slowly dragging his life out him.

" kakashi ku-... Oh my god" the door of the dojou slid with a fast, high pitch screeching sound. But, He couldn't even turn to look at the man who slid it open. Nor cry out loud as the man came from behind him and hugged him closer to his body dragging away from the dead body of his father. The only parent he got left. Not anymore...

Losing friends are common. You lose them all the time. Because they aren't worthy of you. But ever watch a friend die in front if of your face because you are too weak to protect him.

"Take care of rin for me kakashi." That soft voice still kept echoing in his ears as tears stringed his eyes.

He only could wish if he was stronger as he tried to push away the large boulder on his friend's body. It was just like the time he saw his father on the dojou floor, in a river of blood that flowed from his wrist. The feeling was bitter.

Don't die don't die don't die DON'T YOU FUCKING DIE ON ME UCHIHA OBITO... his heart kept shouting as he tears cascaded down his face.. Only if he had mastered his lightning cut technique to cut through the large boulder that was crushing the right side of his best friends.

It was hard for him to grab Rin's hand and climb out of that small cave leaving his best friend to be crushed. But it was Obito's last wish. His best friend's last wish from him was to protect his love. He couldn't let her die there. Where was minato sensei. How can he be not here when they needed him the most? He cursed under his breath as he climbed out of the cave only to be surrounded more of enemy shinobi. The heart of his that was healed when uchiha obito spoke softly and so right about his deceased father, was now broken again. So many pieces. So many tiny pieces that will be so difficult to gather even if he put an effort to pick them up.

He had a hard childhood. Growing into a teenager wasn't easy either. Not when the person who he tried to protect the most pierced herself into his hand. He still can feel the warmth of her body as he cut her right through her heart and the way she dangled from his hand with her eyes staring into his, as death came to her in the most painful way imaginable.

He saw her gasp as the blood spurt from her mouth as she choked on her own blood gasping for a breath scratching kakashi's arm with a horrified look on her face only a few inches away from His face.

Bitter... It was bitter again. He cried out her name loudly as he grabbed her shoulder to pull his hand out of her chest. The blood. It was everywhere he looked. His hands, his clothes, her body, her face. Her wide eyes, her expression less face. Her... Rin...

It was too much... He couldn't. He felt his heart rate hype up but his eyes closing. He felt knees go weak as he tried to sit... But... Alas... Now he lays right beside the girl who loved him so much and chose to die in his hands to save their village from imminent devastation.

He woke up almost every night after that. Drenched in sweat with his body shaking violently making it almost difficult for him to run to the sink.

He threw up first. And then then the crying and wailing came.

"It won't wash away." His sobs were drowned in to the dangerously silent darkness of night. He rubbed the sponge on his hand until the skin came off and it was red again. Red and bloody... Just like the nightmare he couldn't get rid of.

They say the birth of a kid always brings happiness to the world. He felt the happiness. After all he watched after a pregnant jinchuriki. Wife of his sensei, the fourth Hokage. It was fun for him to watch after her. Kushina was certainly an interesting person. She loved him as if he was her child and thanked him for watching after her. She would buy him stuff no matter how much he tried convincing her otherwise. They would joke around together as they walked in the roads of Konoha. She did even let him feel the little human inside her kicking and having its fun. At the night as he stood guard by his sensei's house, he sometimes caught them getting a bit handsy after dinner. He clearly looked away and moved his position, but it was okay right. that's what lovers do. His sensei loved his wife and that was one thing he believed and one thing he thought was good and pure in this cruel world. It made the broken pieces of his heart happy. Maybe one day he will also find a love like that.

And then came that night. His sensei released him from his duties and asked him to go rest. And that he would have done that if he didn't encounter his new best friend. Gai. He was difficult. Very difficult. All. He wanted was to beat Kakashi in one way or the other. He enjoyed gai's company. Being with Gai helped him to take his mind off certain things.

"yuhi-san lord fourth and his wife is dead" as soon as the words left chunin's mouth all the eyes of the young shinobi that were gathered in one corner of the village were on Kakashi again. He turned to Gai, as he grabbed kakashi's shoulder with a tight grip that would hurt him of he was in his right mind.

Kakashi felt his throat closing. At the same time he felt the dango he ate the last around an hour ago making its way back to his throat. He couldn't swallow or push away the weight on his chest.

Bitter. It was that familiar feeling again that engulfed him. He could hear the soft mumbled of the kids and Gai's voice calling out for him to snap out of it in the back of his head. Even the loudest sound felt like a whisper right now.

He wasn't the first one to rush to the ground where the demon fox has mercilessly murdered his sensei and his wife.

Blood again. It was everywhere. He saw kushina on a chunin's hand. Sandaime sat in front of her calling out for a medic loudly. His glance then turn to the still body of his sensei. So still and bloody.

He mustered all the power in him and tried to move. Tried to walk towards his beloved sensei now laying on the ground a large hole in the middle of his body and some of his internal organs hanging out of that hole.

No way. No way was he dead. He is the yellow flash for crying out loud. Kakashi tried to tell himself even though he clearly saw the jounin medic sitting in front of minato ran his hands on minato's face before covering it with a white piece of cloth.

All… all he held dear. All he held so close to his heart always managed to perish one way or the other. He lost them one by one. Life was cruel. He learned it at a very tender age. So, he decided to become crueler. He decoded he wouldn't let anyone in. he decided to close himself up and have no feelings towards anyone or anything. His job at the root made him live by those rules. Most of the missions being killing, robbing and cleaning up after crimes, he was surrounded with darkness. Every day new, thicker vines grew around him isolating him from the real world, and he... he let the thick black vines engulf him.

Until… those three. Who cut through the vines and made it in his life to drag him out of the darkness. Who gave a new meaning to his life. It was true all three of them are different in their own ways. It was messed up in a lot of ways before and but now when he looks at them. Pride as all he could fee. The hokage the shadow hokage and the number one medic in the world. Those three. Who will always hold a special place in his heart. And never in life, he is losing them...


End file.
